


The Kidnapping

by PeterStark



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Crack, Irondad, Kidnapped Peter Parker, Peter Parker is a Little Shit, Sassy Peter, Sassy Tony Stark, Sensory Overload, Snarky Peter, SpongeBob SquarePants References, The kidnappers don't deserve this, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, because why not?, i have problems, spiderson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:15:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23571463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeterStark/pseuds/PeterStark
Summary: Peter frowned and blinked his eyes open. Everything was bright, and dark. Huh, maybe this is what Han had felt like. Everything was a big dark blur and a big bright blur all at once. He closed his eyes, his head felt fuzzy and his senses were on overload. He heard someone's hand come toward him, then pain in his jaw as a hit landed. "Ouch...no need to get violent, I just want five more minutes.""Smartass, just like your fucking father. Get up, boy.""Just like my what?" Peter asked, opening his eyes again. There were two bulky men in the small, cement room with one bright light. Classic kidnapping. Peter was starting to wonder if their was a villian handbook. He moved his arms, finding them tied to the chair, not even behind his back, and only by ropes...these guys were idiots. He was going to call them Thug 1 and Thug 2.
Relationships: Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Comments: 20
Kudos: 801
Collections: IronDad (and his Spiderson)





	The Kidnapping

**Author's Note:**

> I found this sitting in a random doc on my computer...so I'm posting it just cause. It ain't perfect, but I laughed, so we're going with it.  
> I own nothing.

Peter frowned and blinked his eyes open. Everything was bright, and dark. Huh, maybe this is what Han had felt like. Everything was a big dark blur and a big bright blur all at once. He closed his eyes, his head felt fuzzy and his senses were on overload. He heard someone's hand come toward him, then pain in his jaw as a hit landed. "Ouch...no need to get violent, I just want five more minutes."

"Smartass, just like your fucking father. Get up, boy."

"Just like my what?" Peter asked, opening his eyes again. There were two bulky men in the small, cement room with one bright light. Classic kidnapping. Peter was starting to wonder if their was a villian handbook. He moved his arms, finding them tied to the chair, not even behind his back, and only by ropes...these guys were idiots. He was going to call them Thug 1 and Thug 2.

Thug 2 grabbed him by his hair and ripped his head back, putting a knife to his throat.

"Wow, no bedside manner. What's going on guys? I mean, it looks like a kidnapping...but I'm a bit fuzzy, care to explain?" Peter asked as a distraction as he tried to figure out exactly how the fuck he got here. They didn't know he was spiderman, or else they would have used better stuff to tie him up with. And he was pretty sure his head wasn't fuzzy do to drugs...so they didn't give him enough to knock him out. How had he gotten there? Oh! Duh. The last thing he could remember was stumbling out of school. He'd been having a terrible sensory overload and he'd just wanted to get home. He'd put on his noise canceling headphones and sunglasses and headed home when someone hit him over the head. Right. The sensory overload explained the headache...and the abrasive lights...and the really annoying sound of the fly buzzing around two stories above him.

Breaking out would be easy as pie, really, but there was a camera running and if it had a live feed...well, Peter didn't want to reveal his identity, after all, he wasn't 'wanna know my secret identity' Batman...or 'I am' Iron Man material.

Now, better question. Why the fuck did Thug 1 and Thug 2 kidnap him if they didn't know he was Spiderman? There was literally no point for him to be kidnapped if people didn't know he was Spiderman, and these fools obviously had no clue. Why was he here?

"Do you have a deathwish or something, kid?"

"Well, I did schedule an appointment with the Reaper so I could get out of a test, but he decided not to show up so I guess I'm fucked. But since you guys showed up, I'm probably gonna miss my science test tomorrow, but I'll still be alive to deal with the failed grade. So yeet me off the next available building please."

"Cut the crap, kid."

"No, seriously, I have a test tomorrow, so I'd really like to know why I'm here so I can, you know, resolve it and leave. The test is worth like...fifteen percent of my grade. I don't wanna mess up my GPA. So I either need to be dead so I have an excuse for failing or we need to get this over with so I'm in time to take it, because I will not live with a GPA less than a 4.9."

"I'm gonna knock his teeth out." Thug 1 said, grinding his teeth.

"Mood." Peter nodded. "So...what's up with all this?" Peter wiggled on his chair.

"Just like your father, you don't know when the fuck to shut up!" The last two words were punctuated by punches to the gut.

Peter leaned forward and coughed. God that hurt. These guys were assholes. "Seriously, what the fuck do you want? I'm tired, I have a headache, and I haven't studied for my test. And who's this 'father' you keep mentioning, because last I checked, my dad died in a plane crash when I was like...four? Do you have information I don't or something?"

"Shut the hell up, kid. We know all about Tony Stark being your dear ol' dad."

"Whoa, shots fired, calling Iron Man old. That's some balls to call a superhero names. I'm pretty sure Mr. Stark would object."

"We've been watching and we've seen you two together. I don't know how that loudmouth kept you quiet all these years, but we've figured it out."

Peter laughed. "Dude, I'm totally just an intern. You're funny though."

"Don't fucking lie to us, we know the truth." Thug 2 waved Peter's Stark Phone in front of his face. On the lock screen, there was a text from Tony...only Tony's name in his phone was Irondad.

"Yeah...that's kinda an inside joke." Peter said. Well, it was a joke to Tony, but Peter totally saw him as a father figure. These goons didn't need to know about Peter's personal issues. "You really got the wrong kid. Mr. Stark doesn't have a kid. I'm just his dumbass intern."

"You think this is a joke? You're going to fucking call him."

"Why don't you do it? His number's right there." Peter nodded and got bipped on the back of the head again. "Oh, right, the phone's locked. Dude, my head's fuzzy, cut me some slack, Thug 1." He frowned and wrinkled his nose. "Hello, my lovely computer wife, can you hear me?" Peter asked, hoping to high hell no one had accidently alerted Karen while he was out. He'd shut her off during class so she'd stop sending his 'distressed' vitals to FRIDAY and gossip over his 'stupidity' for not staying home on a sensory overload day.

"Of course, Peter." Karen answered. "Are you feeling better?"

"Not as of yet, Karen, my dear, can you call Mr. Stark for me?"

"Yes... FRIDAY says he's in a meeting, it might be a moment." Karen answered.

A gun clicked, pointing at Peter's head.

"Hey, Karen, could you...maybe, just maybe, tell FRIDAY to speed him up?"

"Peter, you sound like you're under stress." Karen stated.

"I wouldn't call it stress. It's more like I'm under the gun, you know?" Peter snorted at his own humor.

"I'm not sure if that's your humor of if you're being literal, Peter, but I'll see what I can do." Karen answered. "Connecting."

"I swear to God, Underoos, this better be important. I stepped out of the meeting and Pepper gave me THE look, you know the one." Tony complained. "I was already in trouble and now she's flat out pissed. She knew I was looking for an excuse to escape that stupid meeting. I'm in the doghouse now. But, it is nice to be out of the meeting so...thanks? What's up?"

"Mr. Stark, we have your son with us." Thug 1 said gruffly.

There was a beat of silence. "My son, huh? Really? Put him on for me."

"Say hello, kid." Thug 1 said before punching Peter in the gut.

"Dammit, does every villain get the same book? Is it like "Best Cliche's for Kidnapping Situations" or somehting? Dude! I could totally write an updated version and get a shit ton of money. Maybe I could improve the bedside manner of you villains." Peter got another punch for his trouble. 

"Say, hello." Thug 2 insisted.

"Hey, Mr. Stark. So...you know how you told me I should avoid trouble...?"

"Yup."

"I found some."

Another beat of silence. "You're a dumbass."

"Yup." Peter agreed.

"You just lost your internship for this shit. I don't get paid enough to deal with this shit and I'm a billionaire."

"Tough, but fair." Peter commented. "Hey, they're probably sending you a video of this...is it live?" Peter asked.

"You know what, underoos, it's not. So why don't you stop being a dumbass, "son," before I ground you...again." Tony sighed and Peter could practically see him rubbing his face. "I'm hanging up now."

"We'll kill your son, Stark."

Peter tugged with his arms, and the ropes snapped.

Tony snorted. "Not likely. See you at the usual time, Pete?"

"I thought I lost my internship." Peter said, standing up and stretching.

"Yeah, I did say that, didn't I? So how about dinner? We're having alfredo. Don't be late." 

"I won't."

Tony hung up.

"What the?"

Thug 2 was unconscious before he saw Peter throw the punch. Thug 1 had just enough time to go bug-eyed before he was also in a heap on the floor. Peter was tying them up when an Iron Man suit landed.

"Mr. Stark, I have this handled." Peter promised as the suit opened. "No, really, you didn't have to leave your meeting. I mean, I just didn't know if the video feed was like...accessible. But now that I look at this dinosaur...damn, what were they gonna do? Mail you a VHS of me getting beat up?"

"I'm surprised you know what a VHS is." Tony said, folding his arms over his chest.

"I use dumpsterdive tech...I gotta know what stuff is." Peter shrugged. "Plus, I'd lose my nerd badge if I didn't know what it was. Seriously, you didn't need to come here."

"Well, I did want to make sure you made it out okay. How'd YOU get jumped by Thing 1 and Thing 2?"

"Thug 1 and Thug 2," Peter corrected. "I was having a sensory overload day and my spidersense was screaming danger at me for stupid shit all day...by the time I realized the warning signs weren't fake, they'd conked me over the head."

"Fair, I guess." Tony shrugged. "I'll call the police, tell them they kidnapped an intern of mine." He walked forward and grabbed Peter's shoulder before cupping his chin. "They hit you hard, huh?"

"Eh, just bruises. My stomach hurts and my head's still fuzzy. The dumbasses took my headphones and glasses. Did you see them when you came in? My head's starting to hurt again."

Tony shook his head and lowered his hands, lifting the hem of Peter's t-shirt. "Ouch, that's gonna hurt for a few days."

"Few hours." Peter corrected.

"Stupid spider-munchkin." Tony rolled his eyes and let go. "Need a lift to the Tower? I have a spare set of headphones there."

"Sure...but if the police find my bag lying around, let me know, cause I've got homework in there."

"Gotcha. So...why'd they think you were my son?"

"I don't know, they said they were watching us or something."

Tony tilted his head to the side. "Wonder what gave them that impression."

Peter held back a frown. "No clue."

"Well, we should probably make it official. Press conference and all that. I don't want a repeat of today. I can only imagine the grey hairs." Tony wrinkled his nose.

"Yeah." Peter did frown this time. Wow that felt like a blow to the head. Peter looked up to Tony like a father and the man was going to just...come out and say it to everyone that he was just some intern... That stung. But he sucked it up and went home (not home! to the Tower) and ate with Tony and Pepper and got some sleep, because dammit his head had hurt all day.

-

Peter woke to texts somewhere around 8 at night.

Ned:

HOlY sHiT bRO! Have you seen this? Did he tell you this?

Peter wrinkled his nose and followed the link to a video. Tony was talking at some sort of conference. God, he'd already publically renounced Peter? Damn, that sucked.

"Two dumbasses, who I will call Thug 1 and Thug 2, decided to make a grave mistake today, so I'm gonna sort this all out before anyone else gets beaten to a pulp by me. I'm going to save you baddies the trouble. Yes, I've adopted my intern Peter, he's my son, a genius, and the best and kindest kid I know. But before you think you can kidnap him or use him to get to me, let me remind you that not only am I Iron Man, but there isn't an Avenger on this planet or any other that wouldn't kill for that kid. And I'm pretty sure Pep would decimate anyone who hurt a hair on his head, not to mention his aunt would lose it. So, if you're feeling tempted, please remember that two idiots tried to hurt my kid and they were both destroyed before they could even ask for a ransom. That's all I've got to say." The video ended with Tony walking away and reporters screaming at him to try to get answers to their questions.

"Holy shit." Peter whispered.

His door opened and Tony leaned against the door frame. "So, Aunt Hottie is pissed at me for announcing it before I talked to you. But I really do have adoption papers...well, joint-custody papers, really. Whatever, the point is it counts, so long are you're alright with it. I just didn't want people bothering you."

Peter stared blankly at Tony.

"You cool with that, Peter? God, I should have warned you. I'm sorry."

Peter sprang up from his bed and wrapped his arms around Tony, tightly.

"Ooph." Tony grunted, but hugged him back.

"I thought you didn't want me."

"Of course I do. Irondad's nothing without his Spiderson." Tony promised, kissing his head. "Though....now that I offically count as Irondad, you're grounded for worrying me and not staying home when you weren't feeling well."

"Okay, dad." Peter was stoked. He was being grounded by his dad for the first time. He had a dad who could ground him for the first time ever.

"Dumbass."

"Language." Peter teased.

"Shut up, sassypants."

Peter did and leaned further into the hug. This was nice.

**Author's Note:**

> Take care.


End file.
